The Rabbis Don’t Want You To Know

I went to a Jewish school. Sometimes in prayers, to alleviate the dreariness, I’d tell a friend Bible stories to laugh about. I called the segment “the rabbis don’t want you to know”, based on the comic genius someone (I can’t remember the name) who had an act called “the government doesn’t want you to know”. Here are 12, also known as the I-Shit-You-Not list. Not safe for work!

1. The rabbis don’t want you to know that when Abraham got his servant Eliezer to find Isaac a bride, he made Eliezer swear by saying “put your hand under my thigh” (Gen 24:2). Commentators say: since the Torah wasn’t given yet, the holiest object for Eliezer to swear on was Abraham’s circumcised penis.
2. Speaking of circumcised penises, the rabbis don’t want you to know that when Dinah (sister of Simeon and Levi) was kidnapped by the king of Shechem, they rescued her by pretending to get into a truce with Shechem if all Shechemites get circumcised. Then on the third day (when the men were moaning “ow, my dick, my dick!”) they easily got in and killed everyone (Gen 34:18-25). Stupid Shechemites!
3. Speaking of failed kidnappings, the rabbis don’t want you to know that when the Philistines kidnapped the Ark and it defeated them (by making their idol Baal Dagon fall over thrice in their temple), their priests divined that they should send the Ark back to Israel with some very special gifts. Golden figurines of mice and hemorrhoids, both of which were ravaging the land as a result of the “kidnapping” of the Ark (1 Samuel 6:5).
4. Speaking of tributes, the rabbis don’t want you to know that the Wonderful Amazing King David got his first wife Michal a very special wedding present. 100 200 Philistine foreskins (1 Samuel 18:25)
5. Speaking of multiple penises, the rabbis don’t want you to know that the Wonderful Amazing King David eulogised his “friend” Jonathan by saying “your love was more dear to me than the love of women” (2 Samuel 1:26). For a good laugh, see the classic commentator Rashi decline to comment on this verse (and he’s usually quite verbose too!). He did his best to ignore the fact that David had views on sexuality that differed from Lev 18:22.
6. Speaking of David’s interactions with other men, the rabbis don’t want you to know that one day when he was out campaigning he was overcome with thirst and said “I’d love a drink of water”. They weren’t near water so his top soldiers (the Ancient Israeli SEALS) snuck into enemy territory and stole a bucket of water, at great personal peril. When they bring it to him, what does he say? “I can’t drink this water — these men have risked their lives just to bring me a drink — it would be like drinking their blood!” Out goes the water into the ground (1 Chron 11:15-19).
7. Speaking of people with something missing from their cranium, the rabbis don’t want you to know that the Magnificent Wise Prophet Elisha once encountered 42 children who taunted him about his baldness. He cursed them in the name of the All-Merciful God who sent down 2 bears to eat all the kids (2 Kings 2:23-4). Many find the story horrifying, I find it hilarious (maybe since I have the luxury of not assuming these texts to be divine or historic).
8. Speaking of Elisha, the rabbis don’t want you to know he broke the 1st rule of Magnificent Wise prophets (and Holywood movie formulae): when dying always make your last words inspiring. Elisha prophecied to King Joash that he’ll beat Aram in battle if he shoots some arrows into the ground. Makes no sense but stay with me. When Joash did, Elisha’s last words were of rebuke: “You should have shot way more arrows into the ground, fool! Then you’ll have slaughtered wa-a-ay more Arameans.” And then he died, a gallant gentleman (2 Kings 13:14-20).
9. Speaking of strange prophecy, the rabbis don’t want you to know that God made Ezekiel lie on his left side for 390 days (then on the right for 90 days) simply to atone for the kingdoms of Judah and Israel (Ezek 4:5-6).
10. Speaking of shitty edicts, the rabbis don’t want you to know that God also made Ezekiel eat a cake baked in human excrement. Simply to make a point that God will drive the Jews into exile where they’ll eat bread in uncleanness. When Ezekiel protests (he’s never been ritually unclean before), God relents and allows him to substitute with cow dung (same chapter).
11. The rabbis don’t want you to know that God had Hosea marry a prostitute simply to make a point that Israel has “prostituted herself by worshipping other gods” (Hos 1). Interestingly that’s the start of the book. So, to get this straight, the first time Hosea gets the idea he’s a prophet of God is when he’s caught at a brothel and says “…ummm…God told me to do this”. I can just picture him clutching at this last straw — but then everyone starts nodding.
12. The rabbis don’t want you to know that the very famous Psalm 137 (By the rivers of Babylon/Where we sat down/And started weeping/As we remembered Zion), which has been set to music many times, has an interesting ending. O Daughter of Babylon, doomed to destruction, happy is he who repays you for what you have done to us. Happy is he who takes your babies and smashes them against the rocks. While the sentiment is understandable (it’s perfectly normal to fantasize about an unjust revenge), it just doesn’t have the same musical ring to it.