Some people celebrate Valentine’s day and some do not. Both categories of people though tend to talk about Their OpinionTM of the day. Every year, you will probably be able to find statements from both sides of this “debate” that are assholish, whether in meatspace or social media. Here are two lists of things to remember in order not to be an asshole about it.
The first list is for people who celebrate Valentine’s day, post about it and so on:
- Not everyone has a romantic partner: You wouldn’t know this from many of the posts about it but if you’re having a Valentine’s day experience it’s not universal. And of course everyone is aware of the trope of the single person who is looking for a partner being miserable on Valentine’s day because of constant sappy, nauseating reminders of coupled bliss. I don’t think that’s a reason for people not to say anything about Valentine’s day out of solidarity – but it is something to remember since it will change the tone of what you say. Just like it’s common consideration to remember on mother’s and father’s days that not everyone has a mother/father.
- Not everyone wants a romantic partner: Until recently asexuality/aromanticism weren’t even a blip in the public consciousness. They exist. There’s of course nothing wrong with them and the idea that a life without romantic relationships is somehow less meaningful is as ridiculous as the idea that childlessness (gasp!) is less meaningful. To these you can also add hundreds of millions of people who don’t identify as asexual/aromantic but just aren’t interested at the particular time. It’s very easy to be condescending even if you don’t mean to. It’s very patronising and dehumanising to assume that people who don’t “have anyone to celebrate Valentine’s day with” somehow need consolation, unless you explicitly know that someone does.
- Not every romantic relationship is hetero and monogamous: This is especially the time for heterosexist language or assumptions that someone’s partner is their only partner, both in principle and in practice. When speaking to an audience (something we all do because of social media), don’t address them as if they have just one type of relationship unless you specifically want to tell the others that they don’t matter. If you think you don’t know anyone who’s queer and/or poly, think again.
- Not every romantic relationship is worth celebrating: This can also be particularly hard time for people in difficult, toxic or abusive relationships. There’s a difference between celebrating positive relationships for being worthy and assuming that relationships are intrinsically worthy. The latter shits on people who are in various stages of struggling, trying and/or succeeding in getting out of relationships that bring them harm.
- Assuming traditional gender roles is bad, mmkay?: “Ladies, what did you get from your man on Valentine’s day?” A dose of assumptions that contribute to many bad things up to and including death. This is probably the most common criticism Valentine’s day gets and the tropes of what’s “supposed” to happen during it (for monogamous, hetero couples) do echo all the problems of traditional gender roles. But the thing is, this is not necessary. The idea that you can’t celebrate the day without these is totally wrong.
But it’s not just the pros who are liable to behave assholishly today. Here are 4 things often said by antis/shruggies that I don’t think hold up:
- The day is of dubious/Christian/pagan origins which I don’t want to associate with: There is resistance to Valentine’s day because of this within various secular, Jewish, Muslim and Hindu communities. These often associate Valentine’s day with assimilation to a Western set of values and an implicit Christian ethos. While there are a lot of issues with how the day is celebrated, it just isn’t anything but a fully secular holiday for the vast majority of people. Criticisms like these tend to believe in essences: if the origin of a holiday is religious, that’s its “true meaning” and any cultural changes are just putting extra stuff on top of this. This is similar to the idea that words have “true” meanings which are their original meanings and why is everyone using them incorrectly? This is now how the world works though. There are no “essences” and I promise you when you mention Wednesday you are NOT accidentally worshipping Odin despite the origins of that day’s name.
- You don’t need a day to celebrate love: Yes, that is true. So what? You don’t need a day to celebrate parenthood either but I don’t think this makes it right to denigrate their celebration. Also romantic couples are not some beleaguered minority desperately in need of a day to recognise them. But the problem is not with couples having a day of celebration, it’s that people ignore the items on the above list to assert romantic privilege and shit on others. This is not the same thing.
- The day is “fake” because it’s commercialised: It’s definitely true that the “standard” items for Valentine’s day are very overpriced on the day. Furthermore, the cultural trope of the guy in a heterosexual relationship being expected to spend a lot of money as a way of signalling –– and an implicit sexual barter system –– is about as gross as you can get. But again this is very different to the idea of it being inherently some commercial day, because to believe that you have to believe in essences. In terms of US spending statistics, Valentine’s is about $13 billion, which sounds like heaps but it’s only double the spending of Halloween ($7 billion), less than Easter ($14.6 billion) and more than 4 times less than Black Friday ($57 billion). Yes our society consumes a lot. Not just wealthy Western countries but any non-hunter-gatherer society has consumerism to an extent. If your beef is with that, that’s great but there’s nothing about any particular day that should particularly deserve your ire. Especially since we should be skeptical of our attitudes towards what consumption counts as frivolous.
- Celebrating Valentine’s day is dumb: No, engaging in one of the above behaviours is bad. Otherwise, I promise you, boycotting Valentine’s day doesn’t somehow make you “better” than someone who doesn’t. In fact a lot of that talk seems to be a status signal about how counter-culture you might be. If you’re shaming the “sheeple” for being so gullible as to buy a few overpriced roses, the attitude problem might in fact be yours. Even for the most troubling parts of how the day is celebrated (eg. traditional, coercive gender roles), shaming people for performing them is missing the point entirely.
Have fun. Stay safe. Don’t be an asshole.
This has been a public service announcement.
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