Repent, heathens! Despite overwhelming evidence of the LORD, you continue to think you might confound Him. But no more!
Behold, as the InspiredTM, InerrantTM Bible condemns* the lot of you!!1!
[1] But it shall come to pass, if thou wilt not hearken unto the voice of the LORD thy God, to observe to do all his commandments and his statutes which I command thee this day; that all these curses shall come upon thee, and overtake thee:
[2] Cursed shalt thou be when thou comest in, and cursed shalt thou be when thou goest out.
[3]The LORD will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and with the emerods, and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst not be healed.
[4]The LORD shall sow confusion, whereby thou tanglest thyself in arguments for moral realism, discovering those without the LORD aren’t above making bad arguments.
[5]The LORD shall cause thee to lose faith even further precisely because the creationists’ arguments find not favour in thine eyes.
[6]The LORD shall send thee a score of bad arguments for the LORD’s existence, in order to try your patience. And they will multiply like locusts amongst thee, no matter how many times thou hast slain each one — for many followers of the LORD have heard them not.
[7]The LORD shall send thee those wishing to argue before thee in public, whose words are full of error and evoke laughter from their ill-support.
[8]And thou shalt exclaim to the faithful: “Why callest thou me an ‘unbeliever’? Verily, those without the LORD believe in things too!” And the faithful shall heed thee not.
[9]And the LORD will confound thee with the question of whether thou art free or nay, and the best infidel knowledge will be of no use.
[10]And the LORD will send people with the great weapon of ‘faith’, that no sword can muster, nor reason shatter.
[11]And teachers of the LORD’s way shall fail their pupils by using them as pawns at the expense of their learning.
[12]And thou shalt see millions die from disease, because a sheepskin is proclaimed by men of the LORD to be unnatural (whilst medicine is not).
[13]And kings shall point at those they call witches, in an attempt to distract from their own troubles.
[14]And thou shall be cursed to roll a stone up a mountain unto the end of time. And though it be pleasing to thee, others will call thy labours fruitless, for such labours are not in the LORD.
[15]And the LORD will confound those of knowledge amongst thou, leading them to study vanities, thereby exposing their biases.
[16]And the LORD shall cause others to blame thee for acts of genocide most vicious and vile — for they shall call their perpetrators godless like thou. Though the perpetrators be worshipped like the LORD himself, thy detractors shall care not.
[17]And the heavens shall be closed up above thee. Yea, verily, men of little sense shall go about trying to cause rain. And the LORD shall shut their eyes to their own blindness.
[18]And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters, which the LORD thy God hath given thee.
[19]For thou shalt run out completely of all lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats.
Amen. Next one at An Apostate’s Chapel. Submit here.
*Verses without links are real, from the Curses in Deuteronomy Chap 28
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