A special edition today — some of my favourite dating messages showing various levels of misogyny, cluelessness, creepyness, pretentiousness and/or entitlement (or all 4!), mostly from The Annals of Online Dating Tumblr. I’ve excerpted some favourite bits but you really have to read all of these in full for yourself to get the effect.
- You can imagine how much more pretentious the message is given that the unabridged version is like 80 times longer than this excerpt.
Howdy. First, I must beg clemency for I am relatively new at this. Second, your profile, while more expressive than most, is still vague enough to beg the questions: No sarcasm or smarminess? Just sheer spirited yet sanguine sincerity?[…]Me (reads: time to prattle on endlessly and egomaniacally about myself”¦), I’m a freshly minted (reads: textbook Leo) take-charge kinda guy (and ex-upright bassist) comin’ to ya from the BK (reads: Union St. in Park Slope). Shy I’m not, but like most charming bon vivants, my outward nature is a screen for my more delicate sensibilities. Nothing like a few drinks and a deftly turned phrase or two to get to the heart of the matter and see if two people (reads: we) click or not (C’mon, allow me at least one cheesily trite phrase per e-mail).[…]p.p.p.p.s. – Just so you know, I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany. I give good email, I enjoy talking for hours about everything and nothing, I have passions, I absolutely love to play and I think we just might make wonderful, um, dance partners and/or a good crime fighting duo. [Source]
- You should message me if…
[Y]ou’re passionate and intelligent so as to be good company, sexually liberated, and attractive – really attractive, fat chics need not apply (hehe, I’m so self-amusing). Capable of holding a steady job but without making it your #1 priority – since it could interfere with our sexual activities…[O]pen to spontaneous sexual activities (you know, outdoors sex, the odd 3-some with a cutie we pick up somewhere or one of your girlfriends)…Must be ready to have children only after 30 and proving yourself to be a faithful wife and a loving woman, prepared for the duties of a good mother, have class and know when it’s time to speak up and when it’s NOT the time to do so, instead of a stuck-up naggy b!tch who can’t shut up…and know that gifts are little treats and rewards, and not a never-ending desire to be pampered. [Source]
- Sooo much projection.
I have no problem with single moms or girls that are other than stick thin. But for real, if you are gargantuan and just gross please don’t bother paying to be profiled in the top portion of the screen and please don’t waste your time with me…I will be honest and respectful of you, I am not here to pick up random sluts for a quickie (though casual mutually respectful & beneficial relationships are not out of the question). I am a homeowner with a couple of promising careers, a well developed intellect, a decent body and a serious disdain for drama, game playing and bullshit. Therefore I do not feel the need to “capture your attention”? with something artificially witty and intriguing. How about you show me that you have what it takes to hold an intelligent conversation for ten minutes, or that you actually care about your future, and could be entertaining and fun for me as well? [Source]
- From the online dating profile of NakedSnake:
I am beyond tired of wasting my time with losers on this site, so we’re going with a new approach. If you are any of the following things don’t message me at all…5)You’re pregnant. Really what are you doing on here? I could be a rapist, why are you meeting strangers instead of taking care of your unborn child. You’re a mother now act like it…8)You want your man to do everything for you because you think you’re hot. First off, there’s chicks WAY hotter then you who are down to Earth. Secondly I’d like someone to cook and clean for me, and massage me everyday but last time I checked relantionships were about partnership and unity. What your thinking of is called SLAVERY…Logically and mathematically if a smart, witty, caring, poetic, atheltic, funny, loyal and honest man such as myself can exist then reason dictates that at least ONE WOMAN should exist with these qulaities as well.[Source]
- Title: Hey, what is with this “bi”? shit?
Message: Honestly, you seem like a sweet girl, and hold many potentially noble ideals, but this is something I’ve seen commonly on this site, and I’m curious as to what it’s really about. Your body is designed in a certain way, that is, to receive a man, and this is something you enjoy, but yet, you entertain the notion of artificially reproducing this amazing effect with some kind of gadget operated by another woman? I fail to see the logic in this…Also, allow me to unceremoniously offer my view on “feminism”?…[etc etc Source]
- It’s not just the men either!
What I’m doing with my life: going to nursing school. i love helping people because i feel like ive hurt so many in the past. this is my way of giving back. I’m really good at: sneaking pills from work/not getting in trouble for it!! (not that i haven’t learned many lessons the hard way in the past haha.)…i dont like music, i’ve had bad experiences with it…The most private thing I’m willing to admit: i have a very jealous/juggalo ex-boyfriend. his name is jay and he’s my best friend. you need to understand that he’s going to be on your fucking ass when you come around me. if youre a good guy you’ll win in the end and the fight turns me on lol. [Source]
- As gleaned from a comment on the thread this came from, the writer of this email almost certainly has Asperger’s so I don’t think it’s ok to make fun of it. However it’s still interesting because it’s the logical conclusion to the Ayn-Randian attitude to sex/dating/relationships that I’ve often seen on libertarian/pick-up-artist/men’s-rights-advocate websites. The majority of people with this attitude probably don’t sit anywhere on the Autism Spectrum and therefore are ripe for mockery. The email below just shows an extreme. [UPDATE: Also covered by ManBoobz. And of course having Asperger’s is not mutually exclusive with being an entitled creep, see some of these responses]
I’m disappointed in you. I’m disappointed that I haven’t gotten a response to my voicemail and text messages…Things that happened during our date include, but are not limited to, the following: -You played with your hair a lot. A woman playing with her hair is a common sign of flirtation. You can even do a google search on it. When a woman plays with her hair, she is preening. I’ve never had a date where a woman played with her hair as much as you did. In addition, it didn’t look like you were playing with your hair out of nervousness. -We had lots of eye contact during our date. On a per-minute basis, I’ve never had as much eye contact during a date as I did with you…In my opinion, leading someone on (i.e., giving mixed signals) is impolite and immature. It’s bad to do that…Why am I writing you? Well, hopefully, we will go out again. Even if we don’t, I gain utility from expressing my thoughts to you…I assume that you find me physically attractive. If you didn’t find me physically attractive, then it would have been irrational for you to go out with me in the first place. After all, our first date was not a blind date. You already knew what I looked like before our date…If you don’t want to go out again, that I request that you call me and make a sincere apology for leading me on (i.e., giving me mixed signals). [Source]
- To finish, there’s this gem.
0 Comments