Super-Abridged Bible: 1 Samuel

Chapters 1-7: Samuel and the Ark

A man called Elkanah has two wives: Hannah (childless, unloved) and Pninah (who taunts Hannah because of this). Every year, he takes them to the Ark in Shiloh to offer sacrifices. One time, Hannah silently prays for a son, promising YHWH to make him a Nazirite (see Numbers). Eli the High Priest sees her moving her lips but not saying anything. He thinks she’s drunk and seeks to kick her out but she explains herself. YHWH grans Hannah’s wish, Samuel is born, Hannah sings a song of praise.

Being a Nazirite, Samuel is consecrated to YHWH and hence given to Eli to serve at the Ark. Eli’s two sons are scoundrel priests, running a racket on people’s offerings. Eli finds out and rebukes them but they don’t listen. YHWH is angry and sends Eli a prophet, who says because Eli can’t reign in his sons, his family’s control over the Ark service will cease.

Young Samuel gets his first vision of YHWH. He answers but Eli thinks Samuel’s speaking to him. This happens thrice until Eli realises Samuel is a prophet. Samuel repeats to Eli that his house will fall, Eli replies that if it’s YHWH’s wish, so be it. This is fulfilled: Israel fights against the Philistines. Israel lose the battle, the Philistines capture the Ark and take it, also killing Eli’s 2 sons. When news reaches Eli, he falls from his chair out of shock and breaks his neck.

The Philistines place the Ark in the temple of their god Dagon. Next morning, Dagon’s statue is laying on the ground. They pick him up. Next day Dagon’s beheaded, with no arms. They realise this is YHWH’s curse and decide to move it to another Philistine town. YHWH strikes them with hemorrhoids and creates an epidemic of mice eating crops. Philistine priests decide the only way out is to return the Ark to Israel, along with a tribute to make nice with YHWH. In addition to the usual, they scuplt 5 golden hemorrhoids and 5 golden mice to represent the curses YHWH gave them. They load the Ark and gifts on a cart and send them off with two cows unaccompanied (expecting YHWH to guide the Ark).

The Ark comes to the Israelite town of Beit-shemesh. The people rejoice but peek into the Ark so YHWH kills 50,000 of them. The Ark is moved to another town. Samuel rebukes Israel for their idolatry so they put away their idolatrous images. This saves them in their upcoming battle with the Philistines and they win, recovering all lost territory. Samuel judges Israel for many years.

Chapters 8-15: The reign of Saul

Being old, Samuel appoints his 2 sons as judges. They are corrupt so Israel’s elders demand a king. Samuel is angry but YHWH tells him to acquiesce since it’s YHWH and not Samuel the people are supposedly rejecting. Samuel warns the nation that a king will be a great burden with taxation and privilege, and they’ll end up crying out to YHWH. The people say they want to be like the other nations and have a king.

The donkey of a man called Kish is lost. Kish’s son Saul takes a servant to search for it. They look for several days. The servant suggests they turn back so Kish won’t be worried, but Saul knows there’s a man of YHWH in town and wants to ask him about the donkey before they go. This prophet is Samuel who’s been told by YHWH that the boy who is to see him will be the king. When Saul approaches him, instead of answering, Samuel holds a feast for Saul. The next day Samuel annoints him and gives him instructions to go to Gilgal. Saul encounters a band of prophets and prophecies with them (as Samuel had predicted). Saul comes home but doesn’t tell anyone that he’s been annointed.

An Ammonite general besieges Jabesh-gilead. As Saul passes by on the way to Gilgal, the spirit of YHWH makes him angry. He leads an impromptu battle and wins, spreading his fame. At Gilgal, Samuel rebukes Israel once more for wanting a king and warns them to keep YHWH’s commandments — otherwise they and their king will be swept away. Saul begins his reign and leads many military campaigns.

Two years later, Israel gets in trouble in their battles. Saul arranges for Samuel to come to Gilgal. When Samuel is late, he presents sacrifices without him. As he finishes, Samuel arrives, furious that Saul went ahead without him and prophecying Saul’s dynasty won’t endure. The campaigns continue. The Philistines have forbidden the Israelites to own weapons so they must buy them from Philistine smiths.

Saul’s son Jonathan sneaks behind enemy lines with his attendant. He taunts Philistine soldiers in an outpost, calling on YHWH to help smite them which YHWH does, making Jonathan a frenzied warrior. While he’s gone, Saul orders the army (under penalty of death) not to eat anything until Israel is victorious. Jonathan returns and comes across some honey. Others warn him about the curse but he eats it anyway, saying it’s a ridiculous order to force soldiers to be weak from malnutrition. Saul asks YHWH about the upcoming battle but gets no answer. Realising someone had “sinned”, he finds Jonathan by casting lots. He orders Jonathan be killed despite being his son but the troops stand up for him because they see the honey made him fight better.

Samuel orders Saul to attack the Amalekites (who are meant to be utterly destroyed, see Deuteronomy). Saul destroys their towns but spares the animals to sacrifice them to YHWH. Samuel is furious that Saul disobeyed YHWH in not destroying the animals. He rejects Saul’s apology and turns to leave. Saul grabs Samuel’s cloak but it rips so Saul only has a shred in his hands. Samuel retorts that just as this cloak, so YHWH will rip the kingdom from him. Samuel never sees Saul again.

Chapters 16-20: Introducing King David

YHWH tells Samuel to stop grieving over Saul since YHWH has already chosen a replacement king among the sons of Jesse. He tells Samuel to visit Jesse under the pretext of a sacrificial feast (so Saul won’t find out). Jesse’s sons pass before Samuel and YHWH tells him he’s chosen David (the youngest). Saul is tormented by an evil spirit from YHWH. He asks his courtiers to find a good musician to soothe him. He’s told David plays well so Saul sends for him and David plays at Saul’s court.

The Philistines are still attacking. A giant warrior called Goliath issues a challenge for Israel to put up someone who can match him one-on-one. David’s brothers are in the campaign so Jesse sends David to deliver them some food. David sees Goliath and finds out that whoever defeats him will become famous in Israel. He asks Saul for permission to fight Goliath, telling Saul he’s already killed a lion and bear. Saul agrees and gives him armour, which David takes off since it’s too heavy. Goliath is insulted that the champion against him is a boy but David says he has YHWH on his side. He uses a slingshot to launch a pebble into Goliath’s forehead and kills him. The Philistines are put to flight. Saul is impressed with David.

Jonathan also sees David and loves him as himself. The two of them make a secret pact of mutual help (or have a relationship, depending on your interpretation). Saul puts David in charge of all the soldiers and gives him a position at his court. However, women start to sing that Saul has slain thousands and David tens of thousands. Saul realises he’s being upstaged. In a rage he throws a spear at David but misses. He removes David from his court, although David’s still an army commander.

Eager for a way to get rid of David, Saul offers him his daughter Merab in marriage. David’s too humble to marry into the royal family. Merab marries someone else but Saul’s daughter Michal falls in love with Saul David. Saul gets his courtiers to tell David he really wants him to join the family so David agrees. Saul sets a bride-price of 100 Philistine foreskins, hoping this will kill David. David surprises Saul by easily obtaining not 100 but 200. His reputation as a warrior soars and Saul is even more afraid of him.

Saul orders Jonathan and everyone else to kill David. Jonathan warns David because he loves him so much and defends him to Saul, getting him to change his mind. Later, Saul decides to kill David again and sends soldiers outside David’s house to watch him. Michal warns David he should run, letting him out the window to escape. She tells the soldiers who enter that he’s sick. Later, they insist on seeing him but she makes a scarecrow version of David and puts it in his bed. When it’s found out, she saves herself by saying David forced her to help him escape.

David meets Jonathan and they make a plan. David will hide. If Saul asks for David, Jonathan will say David’s gone to his home town for the annual sacrifice. If Saul’s angry this means he really intends to kill David and David should flee. Jonathan will tell David indirectly, by shooting some arrows into the field while David is hiding at the edge. If Jonathan tells his servant to bring them back, it means David can come back. If he tells him they’ve gone too far and will not be recovered, it means David must flee. When Jonathan tells Saul that David’s away, Saul is enraged, accusing Jonathan of siding with David against him (and to the shame of “his mother’s nakedness”). Jonathan uses the above method to tell David to flee.

Chapters 21-31: David’s life on the run from Saul

David and his men come to Ahimelech of Nob, a priest. David pretends to be on a secret mission from Saul in order to get bread (and Goliath’s sword). Doeg, one of Saul’s staff, is there and sees this. David comes to the court of Achich, [Canaanite] king of Gath but his courtiers recognise him as the famous David. He becomes afraid and feigns madness, letting drool dribble down his beard, in order to be thrown out. David goes to the king of Moab instead for refuge. Saul finds out (from Doeg) that Ahimelech helped him and orders Doeg to kill Ahimelech and all the residents of Nob. The only survivor is one of Ahimelech’s sons who finds refuge with David.

The Philistines besige the town of Keilah. At YHWH’s orders, David attackes them and breaks the siege saving the town. However, this reveals his location to Saul. YHWH tells David that Keilah will give him up so Saul, so David flees before Saul can get there. Saul tries to find David a few more times but is not successful. Finally, he gets information that David is in the wilderness of Engedi. Saul goes into a cave to go to the toilet, not knowing David and his men are in the cave.

David stealthily cuts a corner off Saul’s cloak but then rebukes himself for being disrespectful to the king. He tells his men to fall back and stands before Saul, bowing to him and saying he could never raise a hand against his king, showing the corner of Saul’s cloak as proof. Saul weeps, saying David treated him so well when he treated David so badly. Saul says YHWH will surely make David king after him and asks David to swear by YHWH that he won’t wipe out or harm Saul’s descendants when this happens — which David does.

Samuel dies and Israel mourns him. David and his troops pass through the estate of Nabal. David sends his men to ask for food but Nabal turns them away, abusing David. David calls his men to arms. Nabal’s wife Abigail finds out and quickly sends a huge load of food without telling Nabal. She comes herself, telling David not to pay attention to Nabal, and that YHWH will make David ruler of Israel. David praises her for restraining him and stopping him from killing all the men in Nabal’s household. Later, Abigail tells Nabal who becomes very afraid. YHWH then kills Nabal and David marries Abigail. Meanwhile, back at home, Saul “gives” David’s other wife Michal to another man.

Saul seeks David’s life once more. Saul falls asleep in his camp. David and one of his soldiers sneak into the camp. They see Saul sleeping and the soldier wants to spear him. David is shocked at the idea of hurting YHWH’s annointed king. Instead he takes Saul’s spear and jar of water and flees. When he’s back, he shouts across the hill to Avner (Saul’s commander) that he didn’t protect Saul, letting David take the spear and water. Saul recognises the voice and is sorry again. They reconcile again, Saul going home and David continuing his wanderings.

David, realising Saul will kill him one day, asks for refuge with the Philistine king Achish. While living with the Philistines he wages wars on other nations on their behalf, taking all animals and leaving no-one alive. Finally, the Philistines march against Israel, still with David at their command. Saul is scared of the attack and seeks a witch who can conjure the ghost of Samuel for advice. Saul disguises himself (since sorcery is forbidden by his own decree) but the woman recognises Saul, who tells her not to be afraid. She conjures Samuel who asks why Saul is bothering since YHWH is using the Philistines to overthrow Saul’s kingship. Samuel predicts that tomorrow Saul’s two sons will be dead. Saul is mortified and only recovers some strength when the witch convinces him to have a large meal.

The Philistine lords gather and Achish explains to them that he has David, an Israelite, in his army and that he’s proven very reliable. The other Philistines are angry, realising this is the same David who used to be so good at killing Philistines. Regretfully, Achish dismisses David from the battlefield despite his protests. When David returns, he finds the Amalekites have raided the Philistine town he was staying at and taken two of his wives. David pursues them and finds a young boy who was a slave of the Amalekites and was abandoned to die. The boy leads them to the camp and David destroys it, taking back his wives and all the other people who were taken. When the plunder is being divided, some cheap men in David’s army want to deny the share to those troops who didn’t have time to catch up to the camp and hence didn’t participate in the actual plunder. To prevent this, David institutes the rule of equal share for all troops.

Meanwhile, the Philistine attack continues and Saul is severely wounded. He asks his arms-bearer to kill him so he won’t be tortured by the Philistines. He refuses so Saul kills himself — his sons die too. The Philistines put their bodies in their temple but the Israelites recapture them and bury them.

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